I’ve been doing lots of thinking since this ill-wind blew its mortal breath upon the world. This situation, or these sequences of situations look like one of these fictional stories I watch on television, read in books, or even, same as those stories I write or daydream about . . . sad days indeed.
Since lockdown my life and daily habits changed suddenly, and overnight I became the personal caregiver of my mother-in-law; I had to revise all of my priorities, and re-organise my daily life, and where I’m still trying to reconcile writing my next book, blogging, parenting, house-chores, reading, caregiving, and me-go-time on my everyday planning schedule. I had to adjust my time and even myself to this amor fati (love of one’s fate), and rethink about the basis of my own foundation.
“Slowly but surely, I am adapting myself to this new reality; adopting the changes that came about; harpooning the next day.”
I thought that I would be taken aback, or even feel dreadfully sorry about my recent decisions, while my life would be dreary… but it is not the case, fortunately. It’s as if my heart finally learned acceptance.
“I’ve let one of the birds that was caged within my heart fly away.”
These days my passion for writing seem to be stronger than ever before. I’ve even submitted two pieces of mine during these two last months — fiction and non-fiction. Thus, my writing ambition has not weaken the least; I’ve even noticed that my writings have matured.
“The other birds in me were dying out of passion and enthusiasm.”
Right in the beginning of lockdown doubts and darkness started to appropriate my mind — pessimistic feelings about my writing aspiration took its toll on me — I felt like a fraud, useless, stoopid, delusional. Lies lead to deception… and I was convinced that I lied to my self, because deception was gnawing my mind. My self-esteem and self-confidence took a harsh blow during this short, but yet how intense time.
But I am not a fraud, for I write. I am not useless, for I endorse all of my responsibilities, good for others. I am not stoopid, for I certainly know what I want, and certainly know what I am doing. I am not delusional, I just see opportunities from my own perspective.
“I’ve been doing it all wrong, of that I am sure. And though how slow I am, and how much time flowers take to bloom in me, and how slowly the birds in me learn to spread their wings, my mind is a fertile land, simply because I’ve fertilised it.”
Perhaps I’ve seen an oasis which was only a mirage, or an oasis that they made me think was only a mirage… but the oasis in me is wider than this oasis, which by the way, is not a mirage.
My fictional, poetic, and blogging happy endeavors appease my soul, and I envision a bright future filled of serenity, only because I swim inside of this creative lagoon.
I don’t see myself persuing these other activities that infuriate and frustrate me, that lock me up in total distress. No! I won’t give more power to negativity, for I want to live in happy places.
The birds in me have the right to chirp as much as they like. I have the right to express myself, to express my creativity, and I can’t, and I WON’T, take responsability about how others personally interpret my writings — which to me is art for the sake of art.
If I had abandoned my creative pursuit I don’t think that I would have seen again the lagoon where I birthed out, I wouldn’t have found myself again, I would have been a total wreck.
So I’ve decided that no matter what, I’ll keep trying, and if I don’t succeed, well, at least I know that I am making things that passionate me, and that I found a creative leisure that makes me happy.