“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. […] You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”— Eleanor Roosevelt
In the month of May, on this side of the world, summer begins to gently walk away to let the winter season unfold, and a part of me also starts to recoil in its cave to hibernate as to avoid the cold. But I want to feel that summery vibe all year long, without interruption in my creative flux, so as to chase away these bluesy winter days and gloomy feelings. I don’t want the effect of the winter season to affect my moods as if I was tides under the control of gravitational forces.
Recently I’ve been busy with the editing of ‘Soft Lands’, which I hope I’ll be able to publish at least one day before Mother’s Day, which in Mauritius will be celebrated next Sunday. And as I’ve also recently changed my blog’s theme, a still ongoing task that’s proving to be very difficult for me to concentrate on for my head is buzzing with motherly words, while thoughts and fear of being unable to publish ‘Soft Lands’ before deadline are gnawing my mind, simply because I can’t forget the fact that I published ‘Love Notes’ two weeks after Valentine’s Day, and that my fear of doing again the same mistakes that I did with ‘Darcocyte’ is crushing all of my hope… lately I’ve been going through such a great deal of anxiety that I’m again stuffing myself with junk food like one of these pigs.
Right now I’m so mentally exhausted that I’m unable to properly focus on my tasks, while my imagination is all dried up, inspiration nowhere to be found, and my determination has been smothered, and all that I really want to do right now is quit everything to remain in front of the television all day long and eat yoghurt, crispy chips, KFC, Mcdo and its big Sundaes, chocolate cakes, banana pies, puits d’amour, delicious red velvet cakes, blueberry cheesecake, chocolate éclair, fried noodles, pizza carnivore or buttercream chicken pizza, and all creamy desserts… but then, there’s my health.
I’m having lots of trouble writing this post, for I don’t feel that fiery enthusiasm and passion burning in me right now… I write better when I’m in a positive state of mind… perhaps it’s all of these worldly aches and anxieties that are hitting my sensitive chords. Chaos is causing pressure on my energy.
While learning how to change the design of my pages through WP ‘blocks’, a type of nostalgia surged within me when I remembered my debut in the blogosphere, remembering how I had to learn everything from scratch — an autodidact who learned the craft of writing and editing, taking photos, learned how to flex my imagination and call on inspiration, and learn how to use a Web Content Management System. But there’s so much more to learn; this all thing is not as easy as it may seem, and I’m starting to lose patience. But thankfully I’ve been able to arrive at my plan B station, and now the real thing far from this tricksy virtual world can begin.
This ‘flower super-moon’ brightness dragged me in a lethargic state where strange daydreams animated my mind all day long — I think that I’ve got the main plot ideas for Darcocyte II, but before I even consider writing a second novel, I think that I really should consider finish editing Darcocyte I; but time isn’t at all by my side, and it seems that I will have to sacrifice many of the things I do in one day so as to be able to finish writing my books.
My plan for this month was to post every day on my different social media accounts, but it seems that again I’m too overtaken by my writing endeavours… I can’t do everything, that’s what my mind is telling me, chose between blogging, writing books, marketing yourself and your work through social medias, that’s what it keeps telling me… but as obstinate and stubborn as I am, determined to prove that freewill exists, so as to be able to incorporate that idea in fiction, I’m ready to make of my self my own Guinea pig… all of that is so tricky, for you never know if either it’s the ego, instinct, guide, or luck that’s at play… I’m unable to make the difference.
While doing some researches on the person quoted for this post, that is, Eleanor Roosevelt, I learned a great deal on this great lady who did many wonderful things, and who even had a daily journaling column in a newspaper which she kept until her death, titled ‘My Day’. She was simply a blogger from the ancient days.
I didn’t feel like writing. I didn’t want to write at all. I wanted to abandon this piece for I felt that it wasn’t that interesting. But who doesn’t want to write? Who didn’t find this piece interesting? Was it I or something else? You must do the thing which you think you cannot do… to do the thing that I think that I cannot do, that is writing when I don’t feel like writing, or abandon a piece that I don’t find interesting, and yet, I defied this feeling and continued my way through with the will of finishing this blogpost through shaping it in a style that I like, and with intent of sharing it to blog lovers.
Thus I sat down and wrote, even though I had great difficulty to focus, while I had to dig for words that seemed stuck in an unanimated night space. And now that I’m about to finish this blogpost, I tell to myself that if I had listened to this voice command that surely was disguising itself as an inner voice, then, I wouldn’t be writing right now to post it on time. Even though I had difficulty writing this, I’ve been able to finish it, for you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.