“When you’re going through hell, keep going” – anon
Anxiety has always been a poison to my mind – it rules me, it makes me unproductive, it fogs my mind, I can’t see clearly. My mind is an arid land when confronted to anxieties, which most of the time change into stress, and stress to depression. Ever-since my mental breakdown, I am not anymore as I used to be – I am more fragile, more susceptible, more frustrated than ever before, falling in and out of the mental prison of anxiety, and can’t think properly when darkness takes over.
Sure, to liberate my mind and alleviate the anxiety, I practice free-writing on paper, that I immediately tear after having relieved my heart of everything that hurts… but these are scribbles penned down automatically, and where I roughly write everything that’s hidden deep, locked, these layers of chaos, these cracked feelings that I am unable to shout out or say – some ignominious unlighted sentences, quasi-demonic, I will tend to say😂 I don’t know to whom these stabbing words are meant to or for, but what’s the most important, is that afterwards I feel relieved and my heart lighter, and sometimes even get some inspirational elements from where I can extract stories, poems, or even get ideas about what to blog. I love to think about this process as a phase of transmutation, where I take my anxieties, the obscure, and transform them into creativity, into writing.
It’s the calmness, the peace, the beauty of things that I perceive, and also doing what I like freely and without frustration that render me productive. I don’t thrive amidst chaos, negativity, and stressful environment, for these lugrubrious atmosphere, they annihilate every perception that I might have of an harmonious existence. Thus amidst tension, stressing factors and all the rest, my mind basculate into the dark side, the paranoia, the mistrusts, everything that’s negative, the coldness, the heartless – and instead of creation, it’s the incarnation of destruction that takes over, the duality without balance, the Yin that completely obscure the Yang in me.
And yet while writing these words, no matter how gloomy they might hit, I feel relieved of a heavy weight, for these sentences that I am writing right now, written aesthetically and creatively, they appeal as a beautiful creative leisure to my mind, insisting that I am here, alive, in full pocession of my mind, because I am taking all of the elements that’s from the well of a dream, everything that is abstract and fractal, everything that is geometric, symbolic, and formulaic, and that I am working my way through it, that I am solving, giving that which is shaped from the depth of my mind the chance to become concrete, to exist, to fly away from the darkness, the nothingness. Materializing my thoughts with these words in full awareness and a certain kind of logic. The want and need to be, stronger than these anxieties.
Thus, writing is the only interesting activity that appease my mind (well, apart watching T.V and movies😊) in times when anxieties strike, mainly during these times of health, economic, humatarian, and sanitation crisis – for I know that I am freely doing what I like, that simply writing is not a cause of frustration in my life, and that it is the balance that equilibriate my anxious state of mind of these days, and those to come.
Creativity is my own personal response to destruction, and where amidst these dark times, all that I can bring to the table, is my dedication to writing.
And what about you? What you do to balance, tackle, or cope with anxieties?