“But nothing remains stable or sustaining in life; and after lockdown everything changed for me.”
2020 has been very challenging for me… I guess that it has been the case for many of you. Before the outbreak of the pandemic, or whatever else, I was always stuck on my PC and smartphone; I was always scrolling through my social-media feeds, looking for inspiration, every day I had enough time to write poems, stories, perfect my writing skills, blog, think about what to write, read books I borrow at the library, and read ebooks too, learn more about the services I use, learn about online marketing, be present on social-media, have the time to daydream, take naps when too tired, and watch one hour of television. I guess that I’ve been quite productive during these years, I feel that I’ve been able to reach my main goals… I am satisfied with myself.
But nothing remains stable or sustaining in life, and after lockdown everything changed for me. I am now a carer, and my time is very limited, I have to juggle between so many things in a day, but I’m learning how to effectively organise my life and time.
And though my writings have not been able to spread their wings as to fly away, or even if I haven’t been able to turn this passionate creative activity into a career, I realised that I need to write every day — write every day so as to bring balance to my life, do an activity that is self-satisfactory, where I feel free… I need to indulge myself in a creative activity that’s good for my soul.
Perhaps I’ll be drawn to another activity that’s more rewarding, who knows! Work on projects that will stir my passion so much that I’ll consider doing it for a very long time, that’s all I hope for, to get caught up in an interesting activity, something to really focus on, something that will make my life more beautiful than it is… but right now writing is all I have, thus I’m doing everything that I can so as to be able to stick to it.
“That’s why I need to focus deeply and in silence on what I’ll be doing, desert the web for it is too noisy for my empathic mind.”
Writing, blogging, or even social media aren’t getting me anywhere, and I guess that the economic crisis we are facing right now because of Covid-19 makes it worse for an amateur writer like me. I am trying not to look pessimistic here, but I need to be realistic, I need to clear my mind of all the lies I tell to myself. I tried, but I can’t try harder. I don’t want to lose my mind again over matters that keep frustrating me. I need to accept the fact that I did my best. Yes, I am doing my best.
I realised that I need to practice more of my writing skills, I think that I need an editor to edit my writings. Perhaps I’ve self-published too soon, thinking about all those grammatical mistakes I’ve made… I made a fool of myself somehow. All of these lies I tell to myself.
Thus I am considering another publishing route, seeking help to publish my books. I think it’s more realistic to do so than suffering from trying to self-publish, suffering from trying to understand it all, suffering from all these frustrations. Perhaps the pandemic was a whirlwind that came to adjust my sail, to push me into another direction, perhaps a better one. That’s why I need to focus deeply and in silence on what I’ll be doing, desert the web for it is too noisy for my empathic mind.
I’ve been thinking about the movie cast away lately, mainly about the end of the movie — that part where he stands in the middle of that crossroad, a metaphor for the choice that we need to make every single minute and every single day of our life, and of those signs or guides that some of us can’t ignore. And again, I had an existential crisis because of a movie😂. Again, I questioned free will, and what if… what if I was wrong again, what if writing is not for me anymore. What I need to do then? That’s what I am focusing about everyday, and yet, I keep returning to writing. Then what? THEN WHAT?😡 Silly me, cast away.
“I have decided to lighten the rules of my game, to start a new writing, thinking, and creative process, with a new time schedule and new ways of doing things.”
While trying to replicate my writing process and online presence I discovered that I had been doing it all wrong since the beginning; I realised that I didn’t manage my time, and as well balanced my life very well during the course of practicing writing and learning online marketing. Of course I’ve been able to write blog articles, stories, poems, or books, but unfortunately to the detriment of neglecting my house chores that accumulated with time, which meant more time spent on catching up with my chores — exhaustion and stress added to the mix, I was in need of long rest, then writings and learning were delayed.
I am sure that I could have done more, better, I could have been more healthier. I was way too obsessed, too deep in it, I poured my energy into too many things at the same time; I thought that I was rushing towards a greater future, a type of freedom, a reward, to get noticed by people of the literary circle or a potential employer, or that even I could have made a living online. But it’s difficult, mainly for someone like me that is not at all tech savvy, one who does not very well understand informatics.
Thus, as soon as an idea spurred in my mind I had to write it down or type it, go straight on the web to research the subject, log-in my social accounts to check other feeds and comment or like on what interests me — I was all in it for organic traffic. But there was no balance, no time routine, I hadn’t imposed on myself a time to start and a time to finish. I have taken all of that too seriously, and in the end, though I worked towards my goals with a professional mindset and an entrepreneurial work ethic, I ended up with deceptions, being unhealthy, unbalanced, alienated, unenthusiastic.
That’s why after nine years (I think!) of being online every day, I have decided to lighten the rules of my game, to start a new writing, thinking, and creative process, with a new time schedule and new ways of doing things. Of course, I still need the web to do research for my stories, to learn, write, and read; I will also continue to post on my blog and post on my social feeds, but I don’t think that I’ll be able to be present every day on the internet to read, like, and comment on other people’s posts, just like I did before.
My priority right now is writing, reading, and doing research about scientific, conspiracy, and pseudoscientific theories for Darcocyte II. It was not at all on my plan, especially after all the difficulties and obstacles I met, and that I am still meeting, but there’s something more personal and ethereal to it, and it’s too late now, I am inhabited by something that needs feeding. I also want to know what happens next in the story of Darcocyte, to write a book that I want to read. I just hope that it won’t take me four long years to finish this one too, and I also hope to write a little bit better than I did before😅.
Also there are those quotes about stepping out of my comfort zone that keep appearing in front of my eyes, and where I’ve been thinking that perhaps I’ve given too much of my time and energy to the Webhosphere. It’s like I have to restart everything with learning how to get help, and to accept the fact that I do need help to get published, though I keep returning back to thoughts that I should be doing everything on my own, try my best, and record everything through this blog. Though it’s difficult, but then, it’s blogging my first love, and not writing books; it’s through writing books, and doing everything by myself that I’m able to gain the needed experiences from which I’m able to extract my writing ideas. No pain, no gain.
That’s why I’m taking it all back, recollecting all of my creative energy so as to be able to start anew; desert the web for some time so as to mastermind a new plan, and come back when I’ll finally be organised.