I have always been a quiet-over-confident type of person, mainly due to my loyalty and worship of the self, and where most of my tragedy shows stem from the fact that my self-esteem took a harsh blow. I lose all self-control when I feel that my self-esteem has been attacked; I see red, and completely lose sight of the pathway that I’ve slowly built.
My failures, mainly when I’ve planned and masterminded everything on my own, lead me to those feelings that are very hard for me to digest; that taste of bitterness remain stuck in my mouth for a long time.
For me, when I’m in this negative mental position, something that I’m not proud of, I always end up blaming someone, or something else for my failures, typical mind of an a🤬h🤬le, designating a fictional culprit that’s surely behind the unrealisation of my dreams… I begin to fall in that dark pit of delusions, and where it worsen as these persisting gloomy thoughts turn into obsession.
Every day I’ll be obsessing about who or what is, or are behind my failures; I’ll be telling this or that to my husband, or this or that when going at my mom’s place… looking sick, mad, psychotic, delusional, and where they will all try to assure me that it’s only in my head, and where, 😔 well, it’s panick on board when I go through this delirious phase, where my mother, sister, and husband eyes go 😳 while I’m raving mad, and being paranoid about… well… it’s much more that I am being way to over dramatic, suffering from irrationality, going through some type of disturbance due to denial of failure, a sense that I have betrayed the self, my own self, just a delusional type of indignation.
This obsession, it clouds my mind and prevent me from seeing what I’ve achieved, that is, that I’ve succeeded to write a book (though I need to learn how to edit my own work), one hundred poems for my book of poetry, as well as all of these poems, short stories, and articles for this blog, and other writings penned or typed here and there. This persisting indignation, it also makes me forget about what I can do, that is write, versus my inability to make the right decision about choosing the right platform to sell Darcocyte, or even my incompetence to market myself, my book, this blog, my writings, or to write very well, in a beautiful comprehensible manner.
Eventually, after having been angry, while anxieties made me eat a lot😂 — the viruses appeared, and strangely, my anger concerning the web, Darcocyte, and everything else that were primar sources of my frustration and craziness, quieten down. It was the shock, a large slap in my face, the sudden realisation that I’ve been acting like an insane paranoiac, accusing everything and everyone, blaming others for I’ve not been able to complete my dream.
Things did not went my way, and as I had envisioned them to be, which caused much anxieties and a great deal of annoyance in me; even going so far as to prevent me from finding solace in everything that I’ve already realised, even forgetting about all of the years it took me to hone the skill of writing, the long hours of practice, the analysis of the books I love, the long wait until I finally finish Darcocyte — and then, just like that, Coronavirus came around, slapped me in the face, and life suddenly seemed too short and fragile for me to be living inside the continuous and perpetual agony of denial, delusions, and paranoia. I’m way too much in love with life and all of its beauty to continue inflicting myself with the heartache of failures.
It’s hard for me, as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, a family member, a friend, to face the reality of this virus that is eating us up… It’s such a harsh situation, mainly when you have loved ones. Everything and everyone has been obliged to slow down — to think, to repurpose, to….. fill in the blank here; and where I had to rethink and repurpose my plans, too, going blindly into the uncertainty, while facing whatever is coming my way.
I wish I was the oracle or had that crystal ball so as to clearly see the aftermath of this crisis, but everything right now is so uncertain and inaccurate, the future seem so bleak, thus I continue to write and blog amidst the destruction, even forgetting that there was once denial and anger, and just doing what my heart wants, hoping that my loved ones and everyone else remain safe and sound.