The Phoenix-Bennu is a mythological bird that makes a pyre with perfumed myrrh so as to burn itself to death, before rising again from its own ashes; and right now, I feel like I’m metaphorically burning myself to death so as to be able to restart again where I should have really started when I began to publish blogposts and ebooks, that is, to take care of the tasks that come with self-managing a blogging and writing business.

And this time I’m rebuilding on a more solid foundation, while learning about how to be more professional, because I want to last on the web. And no matter how crazy and difficult what I’m doing is, I really want this to work for me… I’m here to stay, I’m here to last, I’m here to be.

Thus, no matter the drop in impressions and visits on my pages, which was only recently starting to go up little by little, no matter how low I’ll fall and what I’ll lose, no matter the time it will take for me to get back on track, I’m confident that what I’m doing right now will contribute to a rise in my organic reach in time.

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

J.K. Rowling

Of course, being aware that a network that prosper and endure time relies on stability, consistency, and trust, I’m frightened at the thought of mirroring back the image of an unstable and whimsical person who can’t be trusted in the professional circle, mainly after that I changed my handlings and emails and photos again. I’m also terrified by the thought that I’m perhaps sabotaging myself, my work, or even that I’ll remain stuck in an eternal recurrence that will lead me nowhere in life, that I will never be able to achieve anything that I’m doing right now; I’m terrified by the idea of ending up on that pillory, frightened that my dreams will end up in that trash where all unrealised dreams pile up, I’m also afraid to deceive, afraid that I’ve wasted all of these years and time.

For all of these days I’ve been silently fighting with all of these fear-mongering thoughts, but fortunately I’ve been able to build up a mental toughness throughout all of these years that I’ve been trying my way through the web, and where this time, I didn’t cry when it became too hard… I remained optimistic no matter what, and I keep telling to myself that if I keep doing what needs to be done so that the plan of being self-employed takes shape, eventually the difficulties of it all will end at a point in time.

If in the beginning I was going into it in a distressed mindset, rushing headlong without proper analysis and preparation, and which led me nowhere else but in the darkest and chaotic of all pit, but also which caused in me a lot of deceptions and frustrations, today — after using my reason and realising that rushing into things like a red-eyed bull in an arena leads nowhere else but to that of death — I’m more thankful than ever that I’m able to do what I’m doing right now with ease, and I’m more rational and professional in my own approach, which I should have been right from the start, instead of being seduced by what they’ve been selling to us so as to make us embark on their ships of broken dreams.

I’ve learned from the hard way, that is, the self-learning way, the way on which you need to have to be more than lucid, focused, clever, and self-disciplined, and with my decision of taking the self-employed route also comes the laborious tasks of learning everything that’s tied to writing and self-publishing online; and it’s only recently that I’ve realised that it’s my lack of self-organisation and missteps that have been stopping me from seeing the needed results, thus that long brake so as to be able to rectify and re-organise, and to restart again where I really should have begun in the beginning.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.” 

Robert Louis Stevenson

It keeps falling everywhere, and every day I’m learning about the importance of really knowing what I’m doing so as to know where I’m going, the importance of starting things with lucidity and without the lies that we tell to ourselves, I’m learning from the mistakes made by others, I’m learning how to trust myself, to remain true to my principles, and to keep up with my own decisions to see where they lead me. I’ve also learned that the starting process from scratch isn’t really where one should start, but whether where one should prepare, learn, and practice, to afterwards really begin to share and dream.

Today I’m not afraid to restart everything again. I’m not even restarting from scratch. I already have everything that will help me propel myself forward, I’ve already planted my seeds, now all I have to do is water and learn how to care for them after that I’ve transferred them in a more nutritive soil for their own good, then patiently wait for the necessary results; and if things are not again working out as I’ve planned them, then, I won’t be afraid to restart again, to, figuratively, burn myself to death like the Phoenix so as to rise again from these ashes, knowingly that I’ll be a little bit more experienced and proficient and with some of my plants that have already grown from the seeds I’ve planted.

I made so much mistakes since I’ve started, but I’ve also gained a lot in maturity, I’ve learned a lot about how to manage an online small business, which starts by oneself😅, I assume all of my errors, though I’m not ready to go on that pillory, while I trust that the needed results for this daring endeavour will start showing up once I’ve completed all of the necessary steps that I’ve missed in the starting block.